Brave Soldier

Currently there are quite a few things in my life that are "time sensitive." For example: Job applications, work projects, my summer diet plan, etc. However, I find that the most time sensitive project that occurs in my day to day life is when I attempt to finish my cereal before it gets soggy.

There is a little kitchenette at my place of employment. In that kitchenette I keep various boxes of dry cereal as well as a carton of milk in the fridge. The distance from the kitchenette to my desk is around...50 feet. It takes me about 12 seconds to walk from one location to the other. I have recently been able to shave 3 seconds off of that time. Every second counts when your cereal is in jeopardy. Since I've started working full time, I've eaten cereal almost every morning at work. I've practically gotten it down to a science. If I book it from the kitchenette to my desk, and wolf down my cereal, I can almost still hear the crunch of my cereal even on the last bite. This morning was a different story. Right as I got to my desk, having almost spilled my cereal from trying to shave another second off of my "kitchen to desk" time, my phone rang. Had it been a personal call, I would have ignored it. Cereal is obviously more important. But unfortunately, it was a work call. The call took approximately 6 minutes and 47 seconds. I remember because during the entire length of the call, I stared desperately back and forth between the time on the phone and the bowl of cereal. As soon as the call ended, I immediately raised the spoon full of Life Cereal to my lips and into my mouth. There was no crunch. None. I contemplated throwing the ruined cereal away and starting over. But I didn't. BECAUSE THERE ARE STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA. (There are starving children in every country, but people tend to focus on Africa, so I'm just trying to conform.) Therefore, I finished every soggy bite of my cereal. Like a brave soldier. And by soldier I mean the toy ones in Toy Story that don't really do anything.

I guess he didn't get an A in geography...

I had recently added a psychology class to my schedule. Because I was two weeks late entering the class, I needed to stay after to talk to the teacher about what I've missed. My teacher is a grad student who looks like he's twelve. But I'm not judging.

As he was flipping through his folder, looking for a syllabus for me as well as other class materials, he started making small talk.

Teacher: So....where are you from?

Me: Taiwan

Teacher: Yeah? That's really cool. What do you like to do?

Me: I like to cook.

Teacher: Oh really? That's great! Do you make a lot of Thai food?

Me: Not particularly...no. Haha.

Teacher: No? You've never made good Thai food? Like pad thai? Do you even like Thai food?

Me: I love Thai food...I've just never made any.

Teacher: I bet your parents love Thai food huh?

It wasn't until this point in the conversation that I realized he wasn't just living up to his looks of a weird, geeky grad student. He was mistaking Taiwan for Thailand. But again, I'm not judging. It's a common misconception.

Charitable deed.

I participate the crap out of my night class. Not because the grad student who teaches it is any good. Nor is it because my classmates make it the best two and a half hours of my life. It is because my teacher is so bad, and my classmates so dull, that I feel the need to pipe up in class like never before. If I don't, the silence that causes my teacher's face to look so crestfallen makes me almost want to cry.

Moment #237

The number of embarrassing moments continue to climb as I finish up my last year at BYU. The Outlaw has good reason to be afraid of spending time with me in public. Here's a conversation I had with one of the many helpful librarians at school.

Librarian: Hi! Can I help you?

Me: Yes. I'm looking for Sex With Kings.

Librarian:.... (silence).

Me: Let me clarify. The title of the book I cannot find is called "Sex with Kings."

Librarian: Um...sure. Let me look that up for you...and you're sure we have it?

Me: Absolutely.

Librarian: That sure is an interesting title.

Me: Yep.

We did find the book in the history section. We had a nice chat about the contents of the book. He was even nice enough to wave the hefty twenty-two dollar fine that I had on my account. So, next time you guys have a library fine... You know what to do.

Ugly duckling....wait, I'm an adult. So...just an ugly swan.

I had two blisters on my hand from cooking. I walked up behind my mom to show her. I stuck out my hand and said, "look how ugly!" She turned and without glancing at my hand, immediately scrutinized my face and said, "no, it's not that bad." Thanks mom.

This MUST be Addressed

I've returned...for now. But, I've noticed a troubling trend among men in their mid to late 50's which must be mentioned. It is NEVER ok, no matter how classy it may look, to wear a Disney wrist watch. Now that that is in the open, I think I can attempt to blog again. (That is if I ever get internet at my house and stop bumming around Starbucks.)

Contentment

Courtesy of the Outlaw, I now have in my possession an adorable recipe box. I wish I could put into words what I feel every time I put in a recipe card. I imagine the feeling to be similar to what Paula Deen experiences every time she unwraps another stick of butter.

Celebrities....almost.

During dinner last night, my roommates were bragging about church authorities that they've met. One kept trying to top the other.

"I saw Elder Uchtdorf at a conference six months ago."
"Oh, really? That's awesome! I shook President Hinckley's hand at a devotional last year."
"No kidding! You got to shake his hand?? Elder Packer gave me a hug once. AND, this was pretty exciting, but Mitt Romney was in my room while I was in Jerusalem for study abroad. I wasn't in my room, but he was in it."

After a few minutes of this, I felt like I needed to chip in my two cents as well. But then I was slightly panicked because I couldn't think of any general authorities that I've met. I mean, of course I saw president Hinckley at a devotional once, but that sounds super lame after all of the AWESOME meet and greets the others were boasting about. Finally, I could feel the eyes turning towards me, all of them just waiting for me to top all of their comments with some spectacular revelation about the experience I had. For a split second, I thought about making something up. I mean, it's not like they'd ever find out whether or not I really sat next to President Monson on the bus once. Or that after the bus ride, he took such an interest in me he just had to invite me to dinner with his family. But, alas, I remembered that I am a terrible liar. So I spit out the truth. The truth being that the only "celebrity" experience I have ever had was when Donny Osmond shook my hand and thanked me for playing so well in the pit during his son's performance in Secret Garden.

Lessons

To those of you who didn't know, I've been living in the FLSR (or as Bret likes to say, The FLISH) for the summer. I am the native speaker for the Chinese house. It's been an interesting experience so far. I'd like to think that they've been learning lots from me. But I'll be honest. After being forced (for my own good) to move from Taiwan to the United States when I was in second grade, I wasn't left with a lot of language skills to teach. I'm actually certain that I've been learning more from them than they've been learning from me. A couple of lessons I've learned are:

1. It's a fun game to see just how high you can stack the garbage on top of the garbage can before it's necessary to start putting trash on the ground NEXT to the garbage can.

2. It is incredibly difficult to put a new roll of toilet paper on the toilet roll dispenser. it's much easier to put the new roll on the ground and bend down each time you need it to use it.

Those were really the only ones worth mentioning. I can't wait to share these lessons with my family when I move home.

Easy Gifting

I really like receiving presents. I know, that sentence sounded selfish. But let's be honest, who doesn't like getting gifts? But what I also really enjoy, is giving presents. However, for an indecisive girl like me, the process of deciding the right kind of gift to give is practically torture. (I know what you're thinking, should I ever get captured by the Chinese for speaking ill about their government, I'll be in for a big surprise when I find out what torture really means.) There are just so many details to factor in to gift giving. The occasion, the personality, how much you really like that person.... The list is almost endless. But I saw a commercial on TV today that will make this process a cinch.

JIF peanut butter. Need I say more? It used to be "choosy moms choose JIF". But now....it's "choose JIF to show someone how much you care."

Problem solved you guys, from now on just expect some JIF from me for any and all occasions.

Golf Carts

This post has nothing to do with golf. It's more so about the fact that every time I see a golf cart filled with prospective BYU students and their parents touring our lovely campus, I feel like I'm in the movie Stepford Wives. But instead of being around "perfect wife" robots, I'm surrounded by "perfect student" robots. It makes me want to run around and create some sort of scene to see if I get any reaction other than disapproval. And hopefully at the same, make those prospective students think twice about wanting to go to BYU. And not just BYU, they should really think long and hard before applying to any university they'll be stuck in for the next four years....or five if you're an underachiever like me.

I'd rather be bald.

I'm going to whine just a tiny bit. If you're surprised, obviously you're not a faithful reader of this blog. Which is okay. I'm still grateful that you come by to visit every once in a while. Heaven knows SOMEONE should.

I just spent 45 minutes giving myself what my Asian ethnicity should have given me naturally: Straight hair. I know what you're thinking, "45 minutes and her hair always looks like that??" And yes, after a better part of an hour, my hair just looks...hopefully regular. So you can imagine what it looks like before my strenuous regimen every morning. Don't think I'm shallow please. If you think about it, I'm trying not to scare you to death with my frizzier than Medusa hair, so I'm really spending 45 minutes of my morning saving lives. Also, I tried out some curls the other day. The article I was reading told me it was supposed to give me the "just woke up natural waves" look. Yeah. It took me an hour and a half to look like I just "rolled out of bed."Still, it was cute. To the men who read this blog, be grateful most of you just get out of the shower, run some gel/hairspray/pomade/other feminine product through your hair and call it good. I'm very jealous.

One last note. I saw the other day that Paula Deen is coming out with a furniture line. Good. I was in need of a good couch made of butter.

It Must Be Said

This blog was never intended to be a place to rant about nor to promote politics. (You might try The Progressive Perspective if you are looking for a refreshing point-of-view.) However, I feel that if my conservative Facebook friends, blogger friends, relatives, acquaintances, postal worker, and religious authority can complain, I might as well show opposition. Why is it that March 21, 2010 has been deemed "a sad day in history", a SAD day for America, a step toward political oppression? Yes, the reform has flaws. Anyone who denies that is wrong. But, it is a start in the right direction. I'd like to share these words to show how uneducated many, if not all, of us are in regard to healthcare reform:

"Today I have to say it is a SAD day for America....congress passed the health care reform bill....bring on the socialism. Health care plans like this seem to be working so well around the world, NOT! What have we done? The majority of the those who passed this bill have admitted to not knowing what was in it or how it would even work....and they want the IRS to run it....like they know what they are doing.....so it is a SAD day for America. I can't wait to see how this all works out, because medicare is working so well....once again those of us in the middle will get nothing but gouged by the rich- insurance companies and the the poor, who know how to work the system."

I only link this to show that I did not make it up. Read it if you want. I am tired of hearing all the bitching. Until now, I have ignored the patronizing comments of my fellow Christians (or in my case, Mormons). Jesus would never want the best for his brother. After all, healthcare coverage would mean one less opportunity to heal the sick. And Jesus was only as good as his healing miracles, right? The rest of the stuff he did was all for show. But seriously, no one cried "boo" when Bush did this, this, or this. Ok, ok, I'm turning into one of them. If you support this legislation, even in the slightest, let people know. After I read this post I have to say I felt no shame in supporting this move toward "socialism". Now, I feel sad for those that just don't get it (me included). So, become educated. Ask questions. Demand answers. I think FDR put it right when he said that this United States is not the finished product, but that we are still in the making. But, let's just leave it at that.

We will return to normal operation soon. Ninja, the ball is in your court.

"My name is Jayne, and I'm from....."

Every time someone asks me where I'm from, I will say one place, and then quickly follow it up with another place. Which is then followed up by an explanation of why I can't make up my mind. I was born in Taipei, Taiwan and I moved to Utah with my parents when I was 7 years old. With my background, it's always been difficult for me to decide on "where I'm from". Some people make it easy on me by asking, "What's your ethnicity?" But I would never expect everyone I meet to be so "politically correct." I'm not offended in any way when people ask me where I'm from. I'm delighted that people are interested in me. At least for that first 5 minutes until they find out that other than my ethnicity, there's really nothing all that special about me. I've tried ever since I've arrive on the shore of America to defy all Asian stereotypes. You know the ones I'm talking about.

1.Incredible intelligence
2. Always dedicated....to school work.
3.Terrible Driver.
4. Fresh Off the Boat (FOB) dress standards.

Ok, fine. I've only manged to defy three of those. I think I'm an excellent driver. But Spencer will tell you that I'm only mediocre. And only on my good days. I do still keep in touch with my Asian roots though. And I also support the seemingly quirky things that Asians (including myself) constantly do. However, there are certain things that I cannot abide with. One of these being OBNOXIOUSLY decorated stationary. I recently received a letter from a Korean friend on a mission. She sent me three pages of stationary with 75 % of the page with little animals and flowers. She squeezed some writing onto the bottom left corner where there were 4 lines for words. Had she just used a regular piece of paper, she would have been able to just use one page. Obviously my people do not believe in saving trees.

You can't deny that sometimes they are pretty cute though.

Faceless Shame

One of my favorite blogs has been particularly entertaining as of late. There is humor, there is sass, there is the answer to all of life's little problems. One particular entry from this past week has stuck with me.

Read it.

You'll relate.

And it got me to thinking, where is my place in this world? I've had to accept a few realities and let me tell you, accepting them was NO easy task.
1) I am quite plain. I don't do much in the world worth tooting a horn. However, I do my part in society-- pay my taxes, conserve energy, help the old lady cross the road...but, in all honesty, I don't do much.
2) I do not inspire. In fact I do quite the opposite, I "despire". Sure, you think it is hard to inspire, try to despire someone. It is nearly impossible.
3) I am unable to make a difference. When I was a boy scout and we had a service project I was the one picked to announce the event. I could sweet talk any one of my fellow scouters to attend that service outing. But, when the day of service came, I worried more about the refreshments than the actual project. Just the other day I signed up for President Obama's emails. This past week I received 3-4 each day asking me to call my representative. Did I? NO, AND I WAS PLEASED WITH MYSELF!

Spring is around the corner. I took this picture while enjoying an outing in my parent's backyard with my nephews.

Bipolar weather

You know how boy scouts are always prepared? Well, I don't see any reason why I can't be just as prepared....even though I am NOTHING like a boy scout. Although it's certainly not from lack of trying. I've tried tying knots....but usually just ended up making my own special knot. I've tried using a compass, but then I got distracted trying to take it apart because I wanted to find out what makes it work. (My father was NOT happy about that one)

ANYWAY

The point is, until Utah makes up its mind on what weather it wants to dish out, I'm going to be keeping ALL varieties of outerwear in my vehicle. Heavy winter coat, hat, scarf, regular coat, trench coat, heavy jacket, regular jacket, sweatshirt, cardigan.... You name it. I'll have it. So if you're ever in Provo and need a warmer coat, a lighter jacket, or maybe just a Halloween costume, give me a call! I'll provide you with everything you need. Clothing wise.

A Public Statement

I, Spencer, the Outlaw, humbly accept the acknowledgement of this blog by Dennis Busch. I also would like to thank Jayne for having faith in this blog, as infrequent as it is. Yeah, I admit it, I wanted to give up on it. It is like that friend in elementary school that smells like glue and sand. You find that person entertaining but also kind of a burden. So, friend Kristen, I guess we can keep you around. Just stop eating the glue and wash your hands!

Submit a bid

Spencer wanted me to give him a call this morning. So I did. The reason for the call was that he wanted to propose we shut down this blog. His reasons were two fold:

1. I do not contribute much to it.

2. Our blog did not make it on to Dennis Busch's Top Reads NOR on his list of honorable mentions.

I'm fairly certain the second reason stung a lot more than the first reason.

I apologize for my lack of posting. My wittiness comes and goes. Most often than not it goes. So I figure it's better to be silent than to post something that'll decrease the tiny amount of readers we currently have. Dennis, I am sad we didn't make it on your list. You are many people's measuring tool for funniness. And because you've set the humor bar quite high, it's considered an honor to be mentioned by you...in pretty much ANY way. So if you're going to be coming out with another Top Reads list next year, Spencer and I would like to toss our hat in the ring and be considered. Thank you.

Hard Hitting News

I saw Princess and the Frog last night with my friend Mackenna. It was cute. Before the movie started, there was a preview for this movie. I am not ashamed at all to admit that I WILL be seeing this when it goes straight to DVD.

Speaking of Killer whales, the Today Show informed me that a SeaWorld Trainer was killed by one yesterday. That's really sad. My thoughts go out to her family. However, on a lighter note, is there anything better than waking up to Matt Lauer in the mornings?

Insomnia

Insomnia: It has nothing to do with being crazy...at least that's what web MD says. Something is on my mind, something I can't pinpoint. It is like an itch you can't scratch because it is inside your body just teasing you because it can.

I hate these nights.