Potentially dangerous and oddly correct

I may not cure cancer or discover the next major technological miracle. I probably will not alter the social nature of an entire generation. I doubt I will write a book, create a company, or start a trend. I am uncertain about my future and fear my own discouragement. But, I do know, right now, that I'm ok.

Written back in May, these thoughts stayed locked away but the thronging masses of readers begged for a window into my soul. So eat your hearts out. Cause this probably won't be happening again.

May 14, 2009

I hit my mid-life crisis a few years back. I'm only 24. Does this mean that my life is half over? Not important. My mid-life crisis has spanned nearly two years of my life. I have a feeling its about to end. Yet, it is experiences like last night while I am lying on Jayne's bed and her head is on my back and we are talking, not just talking, but discovering ourselves through words, that remind me my mid-life crisis is still starring me down. Jayne, in my opinion, is still young at heart. At the age of 21 she still frets about her high school mascot and if her BFF is happily married. I would never belittle her feelings; they are legitimate and sincere. She lives in "fear" (for lack of a better word) of the people who should be her mentors. That worries me; She is worried. Despite this anxiety, Jayne and I have learned that love is 'selectively unconditional.' She wouldn't agree with me (she'd probably be pretty angry at me for saying that) but, her love is just that--selective and unconditional. She gives what she can and what she gives she uses her whole self to give. But, she is selective with whom she shares that love with. It's quite amazing how she does that. So, we are laying on her bed and I kind of surrender myself to her. I let my guard down. She is one of the few people who I feel comfortable enough to show my true self. She can know the real me. I was feeling pretty tender and vulnerable. I know she can sense the hopelessness on my breath. "Why do I feel so unimportant?" I think I ask the really hard questions and expect her to have all the really right answers. She doesn't. But, she doesn't profess to having them either. But, she understands me the most when I lower my protective wall and invite her in. And then, one of us does something immature like snorting or faking a seizure. I think we do that because we are afraid of the unknown. It's easier to just forget the pain for a few seconds than to indulge ourselves in it.