Thursday, December 10, 2009

Slightly Pessemistic Christmas Cheer

I've been feeling a bit nostalgic lately with the semester coming to an end. I always look forward to the semester ending, but for some reason when the end is near, I keep hoping for the end to be a little farther away. I guess I just always hate having to say a final goodbye. To those boys and girls that always made eye contact with me, grinned and then looked down guiltily during class prayers....I'll never forget you. I hope we keep in touch through technological means. To the girl who still shuns me because of that one time I snorted during the professor's spiritual thought....I've already forgotten the plans I had to anger you more. I hope you all savor these last couple of weeks of school while you can. Soon instead of paying to be bored, you'll look for a place to be bored with pay. Instead of rolling your eyes to your professor's faces, you'll be rolling your eyes behind your bosses backs. OR maybe you are loving school right now and will have an AWESOMELY exciting job in the future. To those people....I have no words for you. Happy Holidays everyone!

Monday, November 2, 2009

You're A Jerk You're Jerk You're A Jerk You're Jerk

Do you ever have those days when you wish you dropped your phone in the toilet so you could admit to not wanting to pay $200 for a new one just so you didn't have to deal with the crap that comes through texts and calls? I know I have. And today was just one of those days. Had I just not turned on my phone then maybe my heart wouldn't be so angry. Yet, something good came from it all--the "Declaration of Stupidity". I share with you what should have been taught in elementary schools and is probably taught in Sweden anyway.

Declaration of Independence:
I denounce all stupidity. This includes mainly the stupidity of others but may include my own stupidity.

Stupidity is, but is not limited to, lack of cultural courtesy, intentional social blunderings, the purposeful (or not) proving of stereotypes, and just plain moronic-ness.

Along with said denunciation, I choose to end all supportive behaviors of stupidity: peer pressure, altered judgments, diseased minds, immaturity, and even truth/dare games.

I promote honesty, integrity, fairness, change, goodness, and reality.

Signed this 2nd day of November 2009 (too early to really matter).

That said, I'd like to say one thing to you, Internet. I value integrity. I know its a lost virtue in, well, pretty much every culture but, I have a small ounce of hope that there is some integrity left in almost everyone (except for Glenn Beck, he's just an ass). In short, just don't be so lame all the time! (You know who you are. Yeah, you hiding behind your dunce hat and rose colored glasses. That's right, I followed the trail of disdain that drips from your mouth onto the floor. You should really get that checked out.)

On that note, I cancel the video of the week because it was a failure. No, actually it was a two week long success! So, suck it! However, I will leave you with one of the most inspirational music videos of the millennium (too far?).


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Say WHAT?!?!

I have exactly 7.54 minutes left at work. I have just one thought for the day. I might regret it later on because as Mother always says, "anything you put on that internet will be there forever; your cyber thoughts just become cyber junk!" I love my mother.

My thought is this: be a senior missionary. You know what they do for 18 months? Go on a vacay! (I hate that word.) Instead of language classes they have computer classes. Instead of learning how to teach they are learning how to be taught. They can play hookie and meet up with their families or they can go on an extended field trip. God bless senior missionaries!

Thank you and rest easy.

[note to self: Self, at a later day insert a cheeky picture of an older man and woman using something like MS paint or a dumbed down version of photoshop. Your audience may like that.]

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

See kids, math can be fun!

Random equation for the day. Things I actually used in a conversation with Jayne.

I'm giving you a standing ovation. I'm standing but not clapping.
+ I'm honoring you in a moment of silent except I'm talking.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I am giving you a standing moment

Dear Internet,

Don't expect much from me today. I trimmed my fingernails and walked to school.

Love,
The Outlaw

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Feeling the spirit

I hope no one is offended by this post. Please know that any offense is unintentional.

I had my D&C class today. It's really not my favorite. I've been pretty fortunate this semester with how much I've been enjoying my classes. But I guess it was too much to hope for all of them to be great. I'll admit. In that class, I'm not the most attentive student. I'll play the occasional games on my phone, and have texting conversations with a few friends. But while doing these things, I'm always listening intently to whatever the professor is saying. Sometimes even pausing Bejeweled to write down some spiritual notes.

Today, while I was in the middle of a solitaire winning streak, I heard my professor say,

"now, I bet you guys are all wondering how I have all this wisdom and knowledge about the gospel. Well. You guys can have it too; if you will pray."

I don't know if it's the stress that I've been under this week. But I could not hold back what was the LOUDEST snort I have ever produced in my 22 years. I felt bad as soon as I let it out. But that feeling of shame immediately passed when the girl in front of me turned around and gave me the biggest crusty her average looking face was capable of giving. So, in return. I grinned at her. I think this was the first time anyone's ever turned away from me in a huff.

Dear Uptight (it says a lot when I call someone uptight) girl in D&C class,
I'm sorry if my snort took away the spirit you were undoubtedly feeling in that freezing classroom which smelled like ham sandwiches. From now on I'll stick to my usual silent eye roll. But thank you for making D&C more eventful today.

Jayne

Monday, October 5, 2009

Delayed: Music Video of the Week 2

Who is the SLACKER on the music video of the week? "In my defense" (says Jayne Young) Jayne told me I can't do the music video of the week on a Thursday. I can only do it on a Monday. For someone who contributes so little to this blog, I dare say she has too much artistic control.

So here it is: BOA, EAT YOU UP.

Born in Korea, a pop artist in Japan, and someone who finally jumped the pond to make it big in America (and it hasn't been an easy jump for her). She does not write her own lyrics, she does not write her own music, she hasn't even perfected her English accent. But, she could dance circles around Britney Spears and the likes of America's dwindling pop craze. What makes her the music video of the week? She is new, she is fresh, and she doesn't have sex written on her upper thigh. Oh, and it helps that her music video is actually fun to watch. (As a side note, she uses fans as her back up dancers. That's pretty cool.)

So, kiddos, sit back and try to enjoy this. I know of at least one person who will be singing this for the next week!



Check out BAOAMERICA.COM

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Music Video of the Week

At one time when facebook was user friendly and fun, I posted a music video of the week. Generally, people really liked it. Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, internet users of all ages, it's time to resurrect the "music video of the week" tradition. I also realize that the recent MTV VMA hupla has caused many people, like myself, to question the brilliance of pop music videos. Internet, I warn you now (and if you can't handle variety then you are reading the wrong blog) main stream pop music videos will, from time-to-time, grace these virtual pages. If it erks you to think that I won't give PCD, Lady Gaga, or Britney Spears the opportunity to be the music video of the week then you need to understand two things. 1: This is my blog; I'll do what I want. 2: Youtube is a great place to watch all the pop "trash" your little heart can handle.

With out further ado, the music video of the week:



Rachael Yamagata, Worn Me Down

Friday, September 11, 2009

Bah Humbug

Oh how I dislike mornings. Except for when I get to wake up to texts and emails and Facebook notifications. Bless you Blackberry and all your multiple functions. You make life so readily available to me! It's like Christmas EVERY day.

Here is a texting conversation between Jayne and me. It embodies my feelings about mornings.

Jayne: Dear Bestie, I hope you're having a wonderful morning. Can't wait to see you soon!

Spencer: Dear Bestie, its the morning. How can the day be wonderful?

Jayne: DB (Dear Bestie), I apologize. Let me rephrase. It's the morning! I hope it hasn't been dreadful.

Spencer: Now that's the spirit!!!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Potentially dangerous and oddly correct

I may not cure cancer or discover the next major technological miracle. I probably will not alter the social nature of an entire generation. I doubt I will write a book, create a company, or start a trend. I am uncertain about my future and fear my own discouragement. But, I do know, right now, that I'm ok.

Written back in May, these thoughts stayed locked away but the thronging masses of readers begged for a window into my soul. So eat your hearts out. Cause this probably won't be happening again.

May 14, 2009

I hit my mid-life crisis a few years back. I'm only 24. Does this mean that my life is half over? Not important. My mid-life crisis has spanned nearly two years of my life. I have a feeling its about to end. Yet, it is experiences like last night while I am lying on Jayne's bed and her head is on my back and we are talking, not just talking, but discovering ourselves through words, that remind me my mid-life crisis is still starring me down. Jayne, in my opinion, is still young at heart. At the age of 21 she still frets about her high school mascot and if her BFF is happily married. I would never belittle her feelings; they are legitimate and sincere. She lives in "fear" (for lack of a better word) of the people who should be her mentors. That worries me; She is worried. Despite this anxiety, Jayne and I have learned that love is 'selectively unconditional.' She wouldn't agree with me (she'd probably be pretty angry at me for saying that) but, her love is just that--selective and unconditional. She gives what she can and what she gives she uses her whole self to give. But, she is selective with whom she shares that love with. It's quite amazing how she does that. So, we are laying on her bed and I kind of surrender myself to her. I let my guard down. She is one of the few people who I feel comfortable enough to show my true self. She can know the real me. I was feeling pretty tender and vulnerable. I know she can sense the hopelessness on my breath. "Why do I feel so unimportant?" I think I ask the really hard questions and expect her to have all the really right answers. She doesn't. But, she doesn't profess to having them either. But, she understands me the most when I lower my protective wall and invite her in. And then, one of us does something immature like snorting or faking a seizure. I think we do that because we are afraid of the unknown. It's easier to just forget the pain for a few seconds than to indulge ourselves in it.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

You might have assumed from the title that this post might be about me missing someone or realizing how much I liked a person. Well, that is false. Fortunately for my friends, if I like them, I never let them out of my sight. So I wouldn't know what it's like to miss them.* Ask Spencer Cawley. It's been about 12 hours since I last saw him and I have half a mind to barge into his current class just so I can have a small glimpse of his slim physique and full head of hair.

Today I realized how much I've missed school. 2 out of the 3 people who will eventually read this post will probably want to slap me after reading that. To those two people: I know what you're thinking; I don't care.

What I miss isn't the stressing over exams, homework and the occasional mind numbingly boring lectures. What I miss are the chuckle worthy moments on campus that I have a hard time finding anywhere else. Some examples:

1. Today I saw a boy on campus. This boy was wearing a pink t-shirt with white letters. On the front it said: I love BYU. I walked passed him and chose to turn around for another look. The back of his t-shirt said: Just kidding. I chuckled all the way to my next class. (Right after walking past that guy I actually saw another guy with a t-shirt that said "sh*t" on it. I would have chuckled at that as well, but it was JUST too inappropriate.)

2. I sit next to a man in biology 100 (I say man because he looks 30 and is always in a shirt and tie). Today is the second time that we've sat next to each other. Today I noticed something unique about him. He uses a Pulse smartpen. I really need to be his study buddy because when I can't remember what the definition of science is, I'll be able to read his notes AND listen to it.

3. Spencer Cawley texting me stuff like, "Someone's sitting in my seat!" On the second day of a non-assigned seats class.

So there you have it. Reasons why I've missed school. Here's to an enjoyable semester.

*Sometimes under unavoidable circumstances, I do spend less time than I would like with my friends. And to those friends....I'm sorry. I wish I could see you more.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

When you've been taken advantage of . . .

Disclaimer: By posting this, I am not doing this. Let's just get that straight.

For some time now, my little boy heart has had the desire to fix social issues. No, not fix, just get rid of social issues. But now I no longer have to search, ponder, and pray for the solutions! I only have to hop on to the "intergoogleweb" (as penned by this fellow blogger) and log onto my new favorite website howtogetridofstuff.com. I don't want to come right out and say exactly what I wanted to get rid of. So, let's play a little guessing game. I'll give you snippets of what I read and you can then guess what the topic is.

  • No matter how generous you are or how magnanimous you want to be, everything you have has its limits.
  • Send a clear message that helping him or her out means that both of you have to make some sacrifices.
  • A friend in need is a friend in deed, and it's good to help out a friend when he or she is down and out.
  • They strain not only your own budget, but put an unneeded strain on your friendship. Like many things about friendship, generosity should not be abused. You too have needs and wants that need to be fulfilled. They take up a lot of your time, and ultimately test your patience.
And finally:
  • Whether it's a free lunch or a sleepover that extends from two weeks into forever, they can irritate even the most generous and level-headed friends. It's OK to be helpful and kind, but not when your generosity is abused and taken for granted. With these tips, you can send even the most annoying and persistent of these social junkies back to their own homes, where they belong.
So, did you guess it? If you guessed "freeloaders", you were correct. Like gophers in your garden or ants at your pic nic, it is difficult to feel okay about being taken advantage of.

So, how do you get rid of them (because isn't that the whole point of this website)? The suggestions are many but I like these few:
  • Cut the phone line when you're leaving the house. You can also contact your phone service provider for a security key or activation code, or call divert options.
  • Lock up your TV sets, radios, video game consoles, computers, and other electronic gadgets in a cabinet or a drawer. That way, the freeloader will have absolutely nothing to do and will only end up bored. (Also prevents theft, a common characteristics of freeloaders.)
  • Turn off the electricity when you're leaving the house. The freeloader will then be pressured to leave because there's no air conditioning or electric light.
  • Sometimes there's no other way to get rid of a freeloader but to pack up the duffel bags, and turn him or her away. It may seem cruel, but it's still your house. Besides, you've been more than generous, and you've been doing a good job at being a good friend. Turning your friend out may ruin your friendship, but you have to deal with the situation as rational adults who have lives of your own. (But if only one of you is a rational adult, the other may be called mean names or labeled a {edited for 'g rated audiences'}).
And if you STILL have a problem there may be one last way to deal with it. Issue an official edict: The Forced Exodus of said freeloader. The Holy Order of the Gilded Beaver may be of assistance.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Paranoia

Here's a conversation between Spencer and I that happened almost a year ago. For some reason it just popped up in my head this morning and to this day, it still never fails to make me chuckle. We went up to Spencer's house in Bountiful to spend the weekend. He had brought his laundry home so he had his hands full when we got out of the car. He asked me to key in the code to open his garage door. Here's how the conversation went:

Spencer: Can you key in the code to the garage door?
Me: (opening the cover and getting ready to push the buttons) Ok, what is it?
Spencer: 9465* wait no! 67 wait, 65!
Me: WHAT?? What are you doing?!
Spencer: I didn't want the robbers to hear!
Me: (trying so hard to stop laughing) WHAT ROBBERS?!

Some people are just a little paranoid, and you know what? There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just make sure to carry all of their stuff, watch carefully as they key in the code themselves, and then email that code to everyone you know.


*Code changed in order to protect the privacy of Spencer Cawley's home from robbers

Monday, April 27, 2009

Diligent studying

Spencer and I like to study together. (Well, I enjoy studying with him, I don't know if my feelings are reciprocated) I believe it keeps us focused. And by focused I mean we only get distracted a couple of times an hour instead of once every fifteen minutes. Occasionally one of us will nudge the other in order to share something interesting we found on either Facebook (Spencer), or PEOPLE (Me). If there isn't anything exciting on either of those websites, we then resort to watching the people around us and pointing out the ones that fascinate us. You might think that it is as though I'm speaking of cattle when I talk about BYU students in such a way. But in a sense, they are. Mooing around in the library, sniffing each other's butts trying to mate, and then having the audacity to call it "dating." Don't bring that nonsense onto campus. NEWS: That's what church and FHE is for.

ANYWAY

A few weeks back, Spencer and I were studying in the kitchen at his house. It was around 9 o'clock at night when I finished with all of my assignments. I caught up on my celebrity news, and when that was done, I turned to legitimate news. You can imagine my distress when after reading EVERYTHING (that was interesting) about the 29th of March, Spencer was STILL working hard on his landscaping project. So I kept myself entertained by taking videos on my cell phone.

video
Note to self: Work a little harder on your school work and you won't look like a fool.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Social Okainess

There is a growing trend in the online connected community: Cyberbullying.



Ok, ok I am not referring to that. However, I am referring to the constant life altering announcements made through blogs, myspace, and facebook. Mormons are most guilty of this. Everything is a big deal to them. Once again, I am not talking about facebook status messages like, "Kevin is getting his Eagle award" or "Stephanie is teaching her first enrichment lesson" or (my personal favorite) "Stacy is bummed for her 7:00 am service council meeting. :'(" I am talking about making a public announcement about something BIG before actually using your vocal chords to tell people. Yes people, I am talking about your pregnancies, your engagements, your deaths, your life-altering events. What I am trying to say is this, you are using the same tactic as Cyberbullying to announce things that should be told in person. Come on, are we THAT lazy that we can't write a letter to our friends or send out a normal, non electronic invite to Nephew Harold's bah mitzvah? Let me ask everyone to do something, think about life before facebook. I know, it was hard for you to imagine that social aloneness for too long. I fought a battle with a small bout of depression when I contemplated life with out social connection utilities. So, cyber friends, do me a solid and make a conservative effort to announce things the traditional way before announcing it to the World Wide Web.

Oh, a quick side note, looks like my pretend grandmother from the Hamptons is actually real. I found out through my mother's facebook status.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I have no desire to hear from you again.

I guess this blog has turned into more of my monthly rantings. Who reads it anyway other than my pretend grandmother who lives in a classy home in the Hamptons. This morning I logged on to blackboard to check up on my grades. I have been finished with finals for 3 days now. However, the Humanities TA (who is male and comments on rippling muscles) has yet to update the grades. He asked for us to email him with the scores of the assignments missing. In his words (actually paraphrasing here), "Since you claim to have turned in all assignments, you must have misplaced them when you turned them in." Ok, so I misplaced them in that ONE pile at the front of the room? Hum, maybe if you spent less time on the ripply muscles and more time on what you are paid to do, we wouldn't have this issue. Anyway, to my dismay, the missing scores have still not been updated; I email him last week. BUT, he was able to put up the scores to our final papers. My sweat, blood, and tears when into that paper. The result, a mediocre (acceptable) score with absolutely no justification for the score given. Tell me, Internet, why is it that a professor gets all the credit for teaching the class and determining the grades when it's the TA who is piddling around with the red pen and imaginary rubric? I am making a call to all professors to hand out a rubric with their assignments. If you have expectations, you best be telling your students what those expectations are. Grading does not have to be subjective.

In addition to the moronic TA, I have had to deal with the worst of the worst today at work. 'Girl 'A wanted to be reimbursed for $600 of traveling costs. We agreed to help her with that but she is required to show proof of purchase. She claimed she could not get a copy of a particular receipt. SO, I prepared a missing receipt affidavit, sent her an email asking her to come in to sign it, and basically made the procedure as painless as possible. She griped the whole time about how I didn't understand what was going on. Hum, listen girly, I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN COMPLAIN TODAY!

'Girl B' walked into my office and asked to see the dean. "Have you made an appointment? Is there a particular reason you need to see him?" Her response, "I just need to." Oh, you bet, let me run right in to his office and tell him to drop EVERYTHING. This one student needs to talk to you. Her reason for seeing the dean: she needed to take a final in our conference room. Yep, as the receptionist and the person that schedules the room, I could never have answered that question for you.

'Man C' comes in to the office all panicked. "Why is no one here for the meeting at 2?" Ok, calm down. I have never seen you before so let's start from the beginning . . . "What meeting?" Once again, no meeting was scheduled in the room that I schedule. I even asked him if a specific person was going to be in that meeting. He said, no. Then the associate dean walked out of his office and asked him the same question. Man C said, "Why, yes he is going to be there." WHAT?!?! Do I look that incapable?

And finally, 'Professor D' walked in and asked if anyone would be available on Monday to sign is ever so important grant proposal. I told him yes. His response, "Are you sure?" My response, "You caught me! No one will be here on Monday. In fact no one is here right now. This is just a hologram!"

I hope I don't lose my job.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Normal shopping

Hi All-


Sorry for the absence. I have many a blog posts stored up in my mind but no time to write them down. In the meantime, here's a little somethin' somethin' to tide you over.


Yesterday, I went here. I went in expecting this. In there I found this, but without the studs and a little cuter. (sorry, couldn't find a picture)


Unfortunately, I have grotesquely wide feet.

So to Conclude
++=DISAPPOINTMENT



Luckily, I found and bought this. Which kept the trip from being a total bust and made my materialistic self happy.



P.S. My (literally) Anorexic coworker brought in Snickers' for everyone in the office to share today. I have suspicions that it might be leftovers from his trick or treatin' days.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Why we need The Ninja to return!

It seems this blog is a bit lopsided. No, this is not a reference to someone's weight. I am just saying that this was opened up as a joint blog between me, The Outlaw, and Jayne, The Ninja. Seeing that the last several posts have been from the not-so-enjoyable Outlaw, I dare say that we need to voice our opinion and DEMAND that The Ninja come back and post with all the power her ancestors and Buddha have blessed her with! So, do what you must, comment, harass, email, call, whatever. In the meantime, here is a little text conversation between Jayne and I had last week.

Jayne: You went to B-ful Jr. High, right? Did you ever have Valynne Bowers?

Spencer: No, I went to M-I-Double L-C-R-Double E-K [clap, clap] Millcreek!

Jayne: Hehe. Good cheer! I imagined you performing it right there in the salon. :D

Spencer: Well, I did. But in slow motion because I had to add in the dashes. Then I did it again in real time.

Jayne: Did anyone else join in? Cause I definitely would have.

Spencer: Well, they didn't know which school I was cheering for. They don't really know about MJH. But, it's cool. I don't judge.

30 Minutes Later

Spencer: Nielsen (name has been changed) blog so so boring. And she showers with the baby?!?! What?

Jayne: What?? Have not read that yet. Must read . . . now.

Jayne: Who showers with their baby?? At that age?! Hope she stops soon. And wow, he's "out of town" a lot.

Spencer: [Talking to them] on webcam with his manstress in the bed behind him.

Jayne: Ahahahahaha. "Manstress"

Jayne: Affair: Fail!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I laughed one time, I really did!

I was on time to work today--correction, I was 5 minutes early. So, suck it!


Sometimes I wonder if my job is as important as I make it sound. Yeah, I work for the dean of one of BYU's largest colleges but, what does that even mean? It should mean making important phone calls, attending posh meetings, writing formal letters, etc. Rather, I spend my time longing to be on the mountain right outside my office door.

As of now, my Facebook status reads: "should I be this bored right now?" I know I am bored when I no longer want to listen to the 4 illegally downloaded cd's on my work computer so I have to maneuver my arm under the desk to the back of the computer to unplug the speakers so I can plug it into my iPod. You're thinking, "why in blue blazes is someone doing such a stupid thing when you can plug your iPod right into the front of your computer?!?!" Well, Wondering Wilma, my iPod is formatted for my mac and since a PC is not smart enough to read that format, I have to result to more drastic measures--PC SURGERY! (or would it be grafting?)

After class I am running away! I'm going to the promised land where milk and honey flow in abundance. I'm going home. If I didn't have to go to work on a project, then I'd drive far, far away. Perhaps Russia? I really need to get away so, if I go missing, I'm not dead. I've only escaped the dregs of life and I've hopped onto a bus full of rest home residents.

(See, THIS is why I go home. It's beautiful, wonderful, quiet, perfect!)

Until then, I will re-reorganize my desk, make a few prank phone calls, and listen to Rachael Yamagata allowing the lyrics to truthfully describe my less-than-stellar Wednesday morning.

Confession: I was going to write this post with the intent of complaining about how I am tired of complainers. Hmm, hypocrisy at its best!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Activity day just isn't what it used to be

I know that last week I "acted out" with my post about how I hate BYU. Okay, I don't HATE BYU more like BYU has contributed to my depression and lack of self-esteem. But how can you blame me for feeling blue when my university has a student alumni association which offers activities like this:That's right kids, a PROFESSIONAL ETIQUETTE DINNER! Business attire is required.

What about other schools around this great state? They get to do stuff like this:
  • University of Utah: Humanities Happy Hour. Now in its seventh year, the Humanities Happy Hour is retaining its status as the most infamous of community and alumni activities. Join us every third Tuesday of the month at Squatters brewpub for excellent food, lively conversation, the best beverages in the state (for those who imbibe), and the timely, timeless, and always provocative Intellectual Hors d’oeuvres- a ten minute talk by College of Humanities faculty and Salt Lake Community Members.
  • Utah Valley University: Concert(s). Face it, no other institute of higher education in Utah Valley will host main stream music. Honestly, BYUSA, battle of the bands was so last decade!
  • Utah State University: Possibly more boring than BYU. Sorry, scoped out their website for events. The flute choir sounds more BYUish than singing hymns on Sunday night in the Marriott tunnel. This might be the only time I am grateful I am at BYU.
  • Southern Utah University: Vagina Monologues. 'Nuff said.
So, while I'm "kickin' it with honor" I hope none of you get jealous that your student ID card won't get you into such high profile events.

*Note on battle of the bands: "The annual battle of for the title of the best band at BYU. After a round of tryouts, eight finalists perform in this show." Also, keep in mind these bands are to re-create LDS hymns in rock-band-style while keeping the sacred nature of these hymns in mind.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Another Reason To Hate BYU!

I hate BYU. I have since the day I stepped foot on campus. I wont name specific reasons why; I fear that I will cause unneeded stress between important people. Today, I stepped into the I.D. Card Center so that I might get my new student I.D. which is required, by law, for all students to renew. Hand over your old I.D. Answer the following questions: Have you shaved today? I said no. The attendant asked me to leave. I even mentioned to her that I never shave daily, I can't. I would shave off my skin if I did that. Here is a picture of my face one hour AFTER I attempted to get my new I.D.

Dear BYU I.D. center,
There are many reasons as to why I should have been turned away from your office today. Here is MY list of reasons. 1) I have acne problems. I even think I may have a zit inside my nose! 2) My eyebrows are overgrown. 3) My teeth are less white due to my obsession of drinking CAFFINE. Asking me if I was on my first day shave is like asking a girl if she is on the first day of her period. Are you serious? I've never been asked to leave the testing center, my office, the library, nor even church (even though sometimes I wouldn't mind if asked to leave).

Look at this (offensive/annoying/self-righteous?) advertisement on the door of the I.D. center:
As my friend Curtis said, "Who's quote is this anyway?" I never want to be friends with any of these people involved in this poster. I am afraid I might scare them away with my wild, immodest behaviors--not to mention my excess facial hair.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Too Much Education

Today in psych class we discussed the topic of what kept a marriage alive. Due to some of the key points that were given, I now know why my parents are still together.

1. Communication-My parents often communicate. They communicate loudly and in my mom's case, shrilly.

2. Trust-My parents display their trust for each other by writing down their schedules on a piece of paper for the entire week and sticking it on the fridge. Should either spouse diviate from that schedule in even the slightest, interrogation begins as soon as he/she walks in the door. I see this also as their special way of showing love to each other.

3. Intimacy-My parents are not very intimate people, a fact that I was very grateful for. However, I was mistaken. They only APPEAR to be distant in their affections.

  • Proof: This morning, I left my house for school a little later than usual. I'm usually pretty quiet in the mornings, a detail that escaped my parents' attention in the 21 years that they've known me. In the middle of eating my cereal in the kitchen, I started hearing giggling coming from my parents' room. As the giggling grew louder and more frequent, I crammed bigger and bigger spoonfuls of Frosted Mini Wheats into my mouth in hopes that I could finish faster. Finally, as the giggling turned into full on roars of laughter and squeals, I just left my unfinished cereal where it was and rushed to grab my backpack so I could leave. During the frantic seach for my keys, I didn't notice that suddenly, there was silence in the house. Then, I heard my mom call out, "Jayne? Are you still here?" In my panicked state I squeaked, "Not anymore!" and ran towards the garage. Before the door could finished closing, I heard the giggling resume. Lovely.

And if that wasn't enough to brighten my day, I was informed by the Daily Universe (BYU Newspaper) today that the average marrying age for LDS women is 21.5. So in about two months, I'll be the LDS equivalent of a spinster. Don't worry, I already have my mumus prepared and my depression waiting.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Static Cling

Every morning I park far away from campus, farther than desired. God's University should have come with parking garages and shuttle buses. Instead it comes with uneven pavement and ramps, lots and lots of ramps. We are a handicapped friendly school! Which brings me to point one . . .

1) Trekking to humanities is more a ritualistic process. I park next to Jayne, we step out into the frigid air, make some snide remark about the person walking in front of us, and then frown at our failed attempt to try to be more kind. But, one particular morning the steps, which descend onto the holy ground, were covered in ice. I was feeling particularly raunchy that morning--my oatmeal was stale. By this point in our walk Jayne and I were talking about scholarships or jazzy wheelchairs or all of the above. I have decided it would be fortuitous for me to slip on the ice, break my spine, get a jazzy chair, and get a scholarship for being "lame". Additional positives to being immobile, Jayne would have a free ride from car to campus and I could completely take advantage of the ramps and gentle slopes around campus.

2) Friday morning I was a little late to work--common. I was speed walking down the spiral bridge across "Campus Drive" or "Bulldog" or whatever that road is called. *Note: SPEED WALKING not running because running is not acceptable. The girl walking up the ramp had a horrible case of static cling. Her skirt was somewhere between her upper thigh and her upper, upper thigh. Poor girl. The only redeeming part of her outfit was her Young Woman's medallion. I know static cling exists and the church is true!

So, if you ever doubt that BYU is THE BEST, don't!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Don't be shocked if . . .

. . . we went to high school together and you would not talk to me then and therefore I choose to not talk to you now. Don't take it personally. It will all work out in the eternities.



Tuesday, January 6, 2009

First day of school

Due to the fact that I tried to tone down my mocking of other people during the holidays and be nice, I seem to be extra irritable this new year; therefore resulting in double the redicule. However, one of my new year's resolutions this year is being nicer to people so we'll see how that goes.

The first class that I attended this semester was Psych 111. Since it's general psychology, the class had an abundance of freshman. I had the misfortune of sitting by one that fell asleep. At first his head was kind of slumped forward, then he kind of jerked awake when the class gave a courtesy chuckle at something the professor said, (yeah kids, like the professor is going to remember who laughed at her lame joke and give you some bonus points) then he fell back asleep with his head slumped back and mouth open. The next thing I know, what felt like a baseball bat hit my head and I literally saw starts. The moron's head hit my head. He looked at me, gave a little sheepish chuckle, said sorry, and went back to what he was doing before he fell asleep. Which was drawing dragons, yes I'm serious, on his notebook page. Come on kid, you're in college. You should know how to sleep in class unoticed by now. Say goodbye to whatever high school you finally escaped from and step up.