Brave Soldier

Currently there are quite a few things in my life that are "time sensitive." For example: Job applications, work projects, my summer diet plan, etc. However, I find that the most time sensitive project that occurs in my day to day life is when I attempt to finish my cereal before it gets soggy.

There is a little kitchenette at my place of employment. In that kitchenette I keep various boxes of dry cereal as well as a carton of milk in the fridge. The distance from the kitchenette to my desk is around...50 feet. It takes me about 12 seconds to walk from one location to the other. I have recently been able to shave 3 seconds off of that time. Every second counts when your cereal is in jeopardy. Since I've started working full time, I've eaten cereal almost every morning at work. I've practically gotten it down to a science. If I book it from the kitchenette to my desk, and wolf down my cereal, I can almost still hear the crunch of my cereal even on the last bite. This morning was a different story. Right as I got to my desk, having almost spilled my cereal from trying to shave another second off of my "kitchen to desk" time, my phone rang. Had it been a personal call, I would have ignored it. Cereal is obviously more important. But unfortunately, it was a work call. The call took approximately 6 minutes and 47 seconds. I remember because during the entire length of the call, I stared desperately back and forth between the time on the phone and the bowl of cereal. As soon as the call ended, I immediately raised the spoon full of Life Cereal to my lips and into my mouth. There was no crunch. None. I contemplated throwing the ruined cereal away and starting over. But I didn't. BECAUSE THERE ARE STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA. (There are starving children in every country, but people tend to focus on Africa, so I'm just trying to conform.) Therefore, I finished every soggy bite of my cereal. Like a brave soldier. And by soldier I mean the toy ones in Toy Story that don't really do anything.

I guess he didn't get an A in geography...

I had recently added a psychology class to my schedule. Because I was two weeks late entering the class, I needed to stay after to talk to the teacher about what I've missed. My teacher is a grad student who looks like he's twelve. But I'm not judging.

As he was flipping through his folder, looking for a syllabus for me as well as other class materials, he started making small talk.

Teacher: So....where are you from?

Me: Taiwan

Teacher: Yeah? That's really cool. What do you like to do?

Me: I like to cook.

Teacher: Oh really? That's great! Do you make a lot of Thai food?

Me: Not particularly...no. Haha.

Teacher: No? You've never made good Thai food? Like pad thai? Do you even like Thai food?

Me: I love Thai food...I've just never made any.

Teacher: I bet your parents love Thai food huh?

It wasn't until this point in the conversation that I realized he wasn't just living up to his looks of a weird, geeky grad student. He was mistaking Taiwan for Thailand. But again, I'm not judging. It's a common misconception.

Charitable deed.

I participate the crap out of my night class. Not because the grad student who teaches it is any good. Nor is it because my classmates make it the best two and a half hours of my life. It is because my teacher is so bad, and my classmates so dull, that I feel the need to pipe up in class like never before. If I don't, the silence that causes my teacher's face to look so crestfallen makes me almost want to cry.

Moment #237

The number of embarrassing moments continue to climb as I finish up my last year at BYU. The Outlaw has good reason to be afraid of spending time with me in public. Here's a conversation I had with one of the many helpful librarians at school.

Librarian: Hi! Can I help you?

Me: Yes. I'm looking for Sex With Kings.

Librarian:.... (silence).

Me: Let me clarify. The title of the book I cannot find is called "Sex with Kings."

Librarian: Um...sure. Let me look that up for you...and you're sure we have it?

Me: Absolutely.

Librarian: That sure is an interesting title.

Me: Yep.

We did find the book in the history section. We had a nice chat about the contents of the book. He was even nice enough to wave the hefty twenty-two dollar fine that I had on my account. So, next time you guys have a library fine... You know what to do.

Ugly duckling....wait, I'm an adult. So...just an ugly swan.

I had two blisters on my hand from cooking. I walked up behind my mom to show her. I stuck out my hand and said, "look how ugly!" She turned and without glancing at my hand, immediately scrutinized my face and said, "no, it's not that bad." Thanks mom.

This MUST be Addressed

I've returned...for now. But, I've noticed a troubling trend among men in their mid to late 50's which must be mentioned. It is NEVER ok, no matter how classy it may look, to wear a Disney wrist watch. Now that that is in the open, I think I can attempt to blog again. (That is if I ever get internet at my house and stop bumming around Starbucks.)

Contentment

Courtesy of the Outlaw, I now have in my possession an adorable recipe box. I wish I could put into words what I feel every time I put in a recipe card. I imagine the feeling to be similar to what Paula Deen experiences every time she unwraps another stick of butter.

Lessons

To those of you who didn't know, I've been living in the FLSR (or as Bret likes to say, The FLISH) for the summer. I am the native speaker for the Chinese house. It's been an interesting experience so far. I'd like to think that they've been learning lots from me. But I'll be honest. After being forced (for my own good) to move from Taiwan to the United States when I was in second grade, I wasn't left with a lot of language skills to teach. I'm actually certain that I've been learning more from them than they've been learning from me. A couple of lessons I've learned are:

1. It's a fun game to see just how high you can stack the garbage on top of the garbage can before it's necessary to start putting trash on the ground NEXT to the garbage can.

2. It is incredibly difficult to put a new roll of toilet paper on the toilet roll dispenser. it's much easier to put the new roll on the ground and bend down each time you need it to use it.

Those were really the only ones worth mentioning. I can't wait to share these lessons with my family when I move home.

Easy Gifting

I really like receiving presents. I know, that sentence sounded selfish. But let's be honest, who doesn't like getting gifts? But what I also really enjoy, is giving presents. However, for an indecisive girl like me, the process of deciding the right kind of gift to give is practically torture. (I know what you're thinking, should I ever get captured by the Chinese for speaking ill about their government, I'll be in for a big surprise when I find out what torture really means.) There are just so many details to factor in to gift giving. The occasion, the personality, how much you really like that person.... The list is almost endless. But I saw a commercial on TV today that will make this process a cinch.

JIF peanut butter. Need I say more? It used to be "choosy moms choose JIF". But now....it's "choose JIF to show someone how much you care."

Problem solved you guys, from now on just expect some JIF from me for any and all occasions.

Golf Carts

This post has nothing to do with golf. It's more so about the fact that every time I see a golf cart filled with prospective BYU students and their parents touring our lovely campus, I feel like I'm in the movie Stepford Wives. But instead of being around "perfect wife" robots, I'm surrounded by "perfect student" robots. It makes me want to run around and create some sort of scene to see if I get any reaction other than disapproval. And hopefully at the same, make those prospective students think twice about wanting to go to BYU. And not just BYU, they should really think long and hard before applying to any university they'll be stuck in for the next four years....or five if you're an underachiever like me.

I'd rather be bald.

I'm going to whine just a tiny bit. If you're surprised, obviously you're not a faithful reader of this blog. Which is okay. I'm still grateful that you come by to visit every once in a while. Heaven knows SOMEONE should.

I just spent 45 minutes giving myself what my Asian ethnicity should have given me naturally: Straight hair. I know what you're thinking, "45 minutes and her hair always looks like that??" And yes, after a better part of an hour, my hair just looks...hopefully regular. So you can imagine what it looks like before my strenuous regimen every morning. Don't think I'm shallow please. If you think about it, I'm trying not to scare you to death with my frizzier than Medusa hair, so I'm really spending 45 minutes of my morning saving lives. Also, I tried out some curls the other day. The article I was reading told me it was supposed to give me the "just woke up natural waves" look. Yeah. It took me an hour and a half to look like I just "rolled out of bed."Still, it was cute. To the men who read this blog, be grateful most of you just get out of the shower, run some gel/hairspray/pomade/other feminine product through your hair and call it good. I'm very jealous.

One last note. I saw the other day that Paula Deen is coming out with a furniture line. Good. I was in need of a good couch made of butter.

It Must Be Said

This blog was never intended to be a place to rant about nor to promote politics. (You might try The Progressive Perspective if you are looking for a refreshing point-of-view.) However, I feel that if my conservative Facebook friends, blogger friends, relatives, acquaintances, postal worker, and religious authority can complain, I might as well show opposition. Why is it that March 21, 2010 has been deemed "a sad day in history", a SAD day for America, a step toward political oppression? Yes, the reform has flaws. Anyone who denies that is wrong. But, it is a start in the right direction. I'd like to share these words to show how uneducated many, if not all, of us are in regard to healthcare reform:

"Today I have to say it is a SAD day for America....congress passed the health care reform bill....bring on the socialism. Health care plans like this seem to be working so well around the world, NOT! What have we done? The majority of the those who passed this bill have admitted to not knowing what was in it or how it would even work....and they want the IRS to run it....like they know what they are doing.....so it is a SAD day for America. I can't wait to see how this all works out, because medicare is working so well....once again those of us in the middle will get nothing but gouged by the rich- insurance companies and the the poor, who know how to work the system."

I only link this to show that I did not make it up. Read it if you want. I am tired of hearing all the bitching. Until now, I have ignored the patronizing comments of my fellow Christians (or in my case, Mormons). Jesus would never want the best for his brother. After all, healthcare coverage would mean one less opportunity to heal the sick. And Jesus was only as good as his healing miracles, right? The rest of the stuff he did was all for show. But seriously, no one cried "boo" when Bush did this, this, or this. Ok, ok, I'm turning into one of them. If you support this legislation, even in the slightest, let people know. After I read this post I have to say I felt no shame in supporting this move toward "socialism". Now, I feel sad for those that just don't get it (me included). So, become educated. Ask questions. Demand answers. I think FDR put it right when he said that this United States is not the finished product, but that we are still in the making. But, let's just leave it at that.

We will return to normal operation soon. Ninja, the ball is in your court.

Faceless Shame

One of my favorite blogs has been particularly entertaining as of late. There is humor, there is sass, there is the answer to all of life's little problems. One particular entry from this past week has stuck with me.

Read it.

You'll relate.

And it got me to thinking, where is my place in this world? I've had to accept a few realities and let me tell you, accepting them was NO easy task.
1) I am quite plain. I don't do much in the world worth tooting a horn. However, I do my part in society-- pay my taxes, conserve energy, help the old lady cross the road...but, in all honesty, I don't do much.
2) I do not inspire. In fact I do quite the opposite, I "despire". Sure, you think it is hard to inspire, try to despire someone. It is nearly impossible.
3) I am unable to make a difference. When I was a boy scout and we had a service project I was the one picked to announce the event. I could sweet talk any one of my fellow scouters to attend that service outing. But, when the day of service came, I worried more about the refreshments than the actual project. Just the other day I signed up for President Obama's emails. This past week I received 3-4 each day asking me to call my representative. Did I? NO, AND I WAS PLEASED WITH MYSELF!

Spring is around the corner. I took this picture while enjoying an outing in my parent's backyard with my nephews.

A Public Statement

I, Spencer, the Outlaw, humbly accept the acknowledgement of this blog by Dennis Busch. I also would like to thank Jayne for having faith in this blog, as infrequent as it is. Yeah, I admit it, I wanted to give up on it. It is like that friend in elementary school that smells like glue and sand. You find that person entertaining but also kind of a burden. So, friend Kristen, I guess we can keep you around. Just stop eating the glue and wash your hands!

Submit a bid

Spencer wanted me to give him a call this morning. So I did. The reason for the call was that he wanted to propose we shut down this blog. His reasons were two fold:

1. I do not contribute much to it.

2. Our blog did not make it on to Dennis Busch's Top Reads NOR on his list of honorable mentions.

I'm fairly certain the second reason stung a lot more than the first reason.

I apologize for my lack of posting. My wittiness comes and goes. Most often than not it goes. So I figure it's better to be silent than to post something that'll decrease the tiny amount of readers we currently have. Dennis, I am sad we didn't make it on your list. You are many people's measuring tool for funniness. And because you've set the humor bar quite high, it's considered an honor to be mentioned by you...in pretty much ANY way. So if you're going to be coming out with another Top Reads list next year, Spencer and I would like to toss our hat in the ring and be considered. Thank you.

Hard Hitting News

I saw Princess and the Frog last night with my friend Mackenna. It was cute. Before the movie started, there was a preview for this movie. I am not ashamed at all to admit that I WILL be seeing this when it goes straight to DVD.

Speaking of Killer whales, the Today Show informed me that a SeaWorld Trainer was killed by one yesterday. That's really sad. My thoughts go out to her family. However, on a lighter note, is there anything better than waking up to Matt Lauer in the mornings?

Do something artsy, throw glitter at a cat!

Today was, well, it was a day. I am taking four credits this semester so I spend a lot of time at work and a lot of time thinking. See, that's when my problems set in. My thoughts set up camp and have my problems over for tea rendering my body totally incapable of speaking a complete, cohesive sentence. Yada, yada, yada, that's not the point. The point is this...I used to be so much fun! Finally, my four credit semester will allow me to be fun again. So, thoughts, problems, my brain is taking an extended vacation. We'll visit you in the summer.

In other news, The Ninja has made contact! In fact, she wants to go on an outing this weekend. She will make her appearance at Nordstrom. Which one, I do not know. Here is the proof:

Jayne: Want to go to Nordstrom this weekend?
Spencer: Yes. I'd love to. Can we skip in the store?
Jayne: I was thinking we should choreograph a dance. Or maybe play a game of bridge in the shoe department.
Spencer: That'd be the adult thing to do.
Jayne: I don't know the meaning of the word.

I Always Walk With A Purpose

Today my sister texted me with an attached picture of my nephew. He had a huge grin; his head was all mouth! The caption below the picture made me grin too. He had finally lost his tooth. The story of how the tooth actually fell out of his mouth is rather vague. From what my sister could gather, he was at school and there were M&Ms involved. I don't see the problem of knowing all the details. It fell out didn't it? Well, there is more to the story.

Let me back up--This kid was defiant. He just wanted to let the tooth stay. However, his permanent tooth was waiting for NO ONE. Sooner or later his permanent tooth was going to overshadow his baby tooth. Could you imagine the terror of flossing that double decker? It would take specialized tools created from the ore of the moon's core and fashioned after the weapons of the early Soviet Union. But honestly, he stood in the bathroom and convinced that tooth it would never have to come out. I'm quite sure he ordered said tooth a hot tub and a personal masseur if it would just stay in his mouth. No blood, no pulling, no twisting. Just one tooth piggybacking a much larger tooth.

And this one picture made me think, "I'm just as stubborn as my nephew." It took that picture, his resistance, and those M&M's to wake me up. It was like being tapped on the forehead by my brother while he is yelling "NAME 10 FRUITS". Like my nephew's tooth, all this time I thought I was going nowhere. Thanks Tom for eating those M&M's or having them thrown at you or just yanking it out. You can move on and let your teeth grow in and I can move on and chuckle about the time I stood behind you in the bathroom and said to you while you had a tissue in your mouth, "twist more to the right...yep, keep twisting...now to the left...is it making a popping noise? I can't wait for pimples!"

Slightly Pessemistic Christmas Cheer

I've been feeling a bit nostalgic lately with the semester coming to an end. I always look forward to the semester ending, but for some reason when the end is near, I keep hoping for the end to be a little farther away. I guess I just always hate having to say a final goodbye. To those boys and girls that always made eye contact with me, grinned and then looked down guiltily during class prayers....I'll never forget you. I hope we keep in touch through technological means. To the girl who still shuns me because of that one time I snorted during the professor's spiritual thought....I've already forgotten the plans I had to anger you more. I hope you all savor these last couple of weeks of school while you can. Soon instead of paying to be bored, you'll look for a place to be bored with pay. Instead of rolling your eyes to your professor's faces, you'll be rolling your eyes behind your bosses backs. OR maybe you are loving school right now and will have an AWESOMELY exciting job in the future. To those people....I have no words for you. Happy Holidays everyone!

You're A Jerk You're Jerk You're A Jerk You're Jerk

Do you ever have those days when you wish you dropped your phone in the toilet so you could admit to not wanting to pay $200 for a new one just so you didn't have to deal with the crap that comes through texts and calls? I know I have. And today was just one of those days. Had I just not turned on my phone then maybe my heart wouldn't be so angry. Yet, something good came from it all--the "Declaration of Stupidity". I share with you what should have been taught in elementary schools and is probably taught in Sweden anyway.

Declaration of Independence:
I denounce all stupidity. This includes mainly the stupidity of others but may include my own stupidity.

Stupidity is, but is not limited to, lack of cultural courtesy, intentional social blunderings, the purposeful (or not) proving of stereotypes, and just plain moronic-ness.

Along with said denunciation, I choose to end all supportive behaviors of stupidity: peer pressure, altered judgments, diseased minds, immaturity, and even truth/dare games.

I promote honesty, integrity, fairness, change, goodness, and reality.

Signed this 2nd day of November 2009 (too early to really matter).

That said, I'd like to say one thing to you, Internet. I value integrity. I know its a lost virtue in, well, pretty much every culture but, I have a small ounce of hope that there is some integrity left in almost everyone (except for Glenn Beck, he's just an ass). In short, just don't be so lame all the time! (You know who you are. Yeah, you hiding behind your dunce hat and rose colored glasses. That's right, I followed the trail of disdain that drips from your mouth onto the floor. You should really get that checked out.)

On that note, I cancel the video of the week because it was a failure. No, actually it was a two week long success! So, suck it! However, I will leave you with one of the most inspirational music videos of the millennium (too far?).